W A R N I N G
New Celestial Computer Viruses Detected
While the Hale-Bopp comet may not have any spaceships in its tail, it apparently has released several new celestial computer viruses into our galaxy. Initial reports indicate 12 such viruses have been detected. The following is a listing of the new viruses and their attributes:
The ARIES virus continuously creates new *.ini files, and repeatedly reboots your computer to initiate them.
The TAURUS virus automatically backs-up all files on your hard drive and prevents you from ever deleting any information or files.
The GEMINI virus opens any available communication software, logs on to the internet, and uses your web-browser to search for gossip about celebrities and politicians, starting a new search every 2 minutes.
The CANCER virus fills up your hard drive with cooking recipes, home repair tips, and old Dear Abby columns, and then installs a screen-saver that flashes 1-800 numbers for various 12-step programs across your screen.
The LEO virus announces its presence with a RealAudio roar (often followed by a QuickTime clip of the MGM lion if supported by your hardware) and proceeds to delete files from your hard drive to make room for the long list of computer systems it has conquered.
The VIRGO virus continuously eliminates any files or programs you haven't used for a month and defrags your hard drive every time you exit a program.
The LIBRA virus downloads from the internet any optional features it can find for your installed software, and installs pop-ups for each new feature that describe its pros and cons and asks whether you want it installed now or later.
The SCORPIO virus lurks in the background, surreptitiously downloading x-rated binary files every time you surf the net (now you know the real reason web-browsers are so slow!).
The SAGITTARIUS virus immediately begins searching your hard drive for the one true Source code, identifying and deleting all mere object code in its path.
The CAPRICORN virus constructs and continually updates a database of all information on your hard drive searchable by file name, creation date, file size, author's name (and last known address), subject, and Library of Congress classification code.
The AQUARIUS virus deletes all old versions of any software on your hard drive, and provides new wireless remote connection capability for obtaining the latest version of each program by FTP transfer.
The PISCES virus reconfigures your hard drive(s) to eliminate any artificial boundaries such as partitions, directories and files, and instead unites all software code in one universal string.
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