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Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert on human relations and one of America's most influential teachers in personal and spiritual development. She has hosted her own television and radio shows and appeared for several years as CNN's Newsnight Relationship Expert. She is the bestselling author of How to Make Love All the Time, Secrets about Men Every Woman Should Know, Are You the One for Me? and Real Moments.
  Breaking Down Emotional Walls   #396
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For you to really live, love and enjoy your life to the full, you must eliminate old, painful emotions and bring in new, healthy emotions. Here's Barbara DeAngelis to show you how to experience life more fully.

Have you ever tried to love someone, but you could feel their emotional walls? You can feel them not letting you in. You can feel the little person trapped inside. Or have you ever felt somebody trying to get to you, but you can feel yourself stopping it? This is how most of us experience relationships. This is what the emotional baggage from our past that we carry.

Sometimes we have so many walls that we can't feel much of anything at all. We can't feel passion. We can't feel excitement. And of course, we can't have real moments. Those walls don't just separate you from other people. They separate you from yourself, making loving and liking yourself very difficult. That source of power and love and passion inside of you, your inner child, is in an emotional prison.

How do we break down those walls? Well, the first healing principle that I've been teaching for years is this: the emotions that you feel and express, you can heal. You can't heal feelings that you stuff inside you. But all those old emotions, and all that old energy, need to come out. I call it unfinished emotional business. We need to actually go back in there, say the things we never said, cry the tears we never cried, get angry about the things we never got angry about, so that we don't need to protect ourselves with those walls any more.

Second, we need to let new love in. The irony about emotional walls is that new love heals old pain. It was from not being loved enough that we built the walls in the first place. So the only thing that can really heal that feeling is new love.

What I'm saying is this. Finding your ability to feel again is the first step toward creating true intimacy with your partner and experiencing real moments in your relationship. To do this, you need to defrost the ice around your heart, to work on healing those emotional wounds, because the more you do, the easier it will be for you to love.

I've spent my whole life developing powerful and effective techniques to break down emotional walls. I actually needed them first to heal myself, and I've shared them with millions of people through my work.

There are many other teachers and therapists who offer their own methods for emotional healing. I encourage you, if you haven't broken down your emotional walls, to use us. Use the teachers who are here to help you find your way back to yourself. Do some work on healing your unfinished emotional business and allowing the love that's inside you to come out, so you can share it with your partner and create the real moments you deserve.

The kind of intimacy I'm talking about isn't something that happens automatically. Great love requires great courage. It asks you to push past the fears that would keep you protected and invulnerable to your partner, and instead to reveal your most secret hiding place and your most unguarded doorways. Great love demands that you invite your beloved in past the walls, and allow him or her to know all of you — the strength and the despair, the vision and the terror, the confident adult and the lonely child.

And great love insists on showing you every place in your being that is selfish and strong-willed, every shadow in your heart that's not loving or compassionate. Your partner is your teacher, reflecting these things back to you so that you see all the ways you need to grow as a lover.

But the reward is truly magnificent, because when you love deeply, courageously and with commitment, your relationship will be filled with sacred, joy-filled, real moments.

Now, here are two things you can do to be more effective in your relationships.

First, be perfectly honest with yourself about any old negative emotions, hurts and fears that may still be holding you back and blocking your happiness.

Second, begin to learn, develop and practice new emotions of openness, honesty, caring and love that override and replace the old emotions once and for all.

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